Chapter 1

Mid-August

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I sat there in Christina’s office waiting for my appointment. Everyone forced me into this. Even my son, Austin. They all said, ‘Mom you need to talk to someone.’ Why? What could anyone do for me? I mean really. It was nine fucking months ago! There was nothing no one could do for me. The memories were there. They’d never leave. We tried meds, we tried EMDR, everything.

After everything that happened with Jax, I think I’m just drained. It has to be that. I mean what else could there be? Work had been suffering, well, according to everyone at work. They all saw it. They told me about it, but I just couldn’t accept it. How can I accept it? Why should I?

It happened. I’ve moved on. But they all claimed that I haven’t. What the fuck do they actually know? They weren’t there at the cabin. They had no idea what it was like. I, I can’t even talk about it anymore. I told Jax what his brothers did to me. I told Christina as well once already!

But here we are. Marie forced this on me. It’s either this or losing my badge. She had enough of my change. That was what everyone called it. Maybe I should say fuck it and just turn to my writing. I mean risking my life everyday for what? To have people hate you. The public can be so ungrateful. All I did was push a jackass out of my way who was being a real prick.

Really, it’s okay for them to do that to us. They can spit on us, call us names, get rough with us, but I can’t fight back? That’s not in my nature. Marie says I was insubordinate. And the person brought a complaint to her against me!

Against me!

Really? After all I did for this city! I’ve about had it!

I truly don’t know what happened. I mean we were all at our pub, Clancy’s, just having a grand old time. This mother fucking douchebag came in thinking he’s all that and a bag of chips. He walked himself up to my fucking table and got right in my face. He started blaming me for what Jax did to this city. Then he decided to get into Beth’s face as well. Choo, Chris, Rohan, and the other guys tried talking some sense into him. But he wasn’t having it.

I remember his words.

“Because of you, good people died that day! You fucking bitch. You’re no celebrity, you’re a fucking menace to this city. Why don’t you just get the fuck out?”

My eyes widened and I was like whoa. I tried to keep my cool as I drank my beer. But he kept at it. Rohan talked to him, but he wanted more of me than anyone. I told him, let’s step outside. I took my beer, and he followed me. He kicked me the back of my shin and I almost fell. I caught myself and that was the last straw. I grabbed onto his shirt and tossed him into the nearest table. Poor baby cut his forehead on the glasses that fell and shattered. Everyone came out and the guy reached for me, pulled me down, and whispered into my ear.

“I’m glad those guys did what they did to you at the cabin!” he whispered.

He pulled me down closer and proceeded to unzip my pants. Everyone saw what was happening and Choo jumped in, pulled me off the guy as Rohan and Chris pulled the guy up. Stephanie was there as well. She cuffed him and read him his rights. Of course, he kept screaming police brutality. And that he was going to put in a complaint.

But yet I’m here and this rat bastard made a complaint against me. Me! When he started it all and attempted to have his way with me in a public place. Why? Because of whom I am? Because I was a famous cop?

I still can’t believe he did that to me! To me! In front of everyone at the bar! Like I can show myself there ever again. That was my bar! He came in there knowing what he was going to do. He had intent. But yet, I get the complaint. I get treated like I’m the bad guy and he’s the fucking victim.

First of all, how the fuck did he know what went on at the cabin? Only me and Austin know that! Chrissy Chan knew as well. Well, I told her. No way. She vanished into witness protection. I haven’t seen her since. I haven’t heard about her either. I rubbed my mouth as I continued to wait for Christina. This was unlike her to be late. I sat waiting, and I’m not even on my phone. But it kept buzzing. So, I took it out of my back pocket and checked it.

I saw about five to ten texts messages from Beth. I chuckled and checked them while I waited for the doc. She’s so funny when she’s happy. She told me about Chris. I mean, do I mind that she was seeing my detective? Not at all. But I do wonder what happened between her and Mitch.

I replied: Well, I’m at the doc’s now. So, I can’t talk for long. I’ll hit you up after.

She replied with: oki doki, dudeeeee, I’m so excited. Hope it goes well!

Thanks, I replied.

Christina finally entered the office. She smiled at me. I smiled back. She led the way to the closed door across from where I was sitting.

“Have a seat,” she said as we entered the room.

I sat on the couch. It was a damn nice couch!

“Sorry I was late. I got caught by the train.”

“The one at fifteen after Mound?” I asked.

“Yes! Fifty-five cars!”

“Snap!”

“Yeah. So, how are you?”

“I’ve been better. Look, doc, do we really need to do this?” I asked.

“Yes! If you want to return to work, we have to do this. You have to be honest with me this time, Dawn.”

“Whatever do you mean?”

“I know the last time was tough for you. I only okayed you back to work because we needed you back in a hurry.”

“Yeah, and?”

Christina blew out her breath and I rolled my eyes. I didn’t need to be here. This is me. I’m Dawn Hudson.

“I know what you’re thinking,” Christina said.

“And what’s that?”

“That you don’t need this.”

“Damn! You’re good.”

She smiled. “That’s why I’m the doc. Everyone thinks that at first. But I think if we do the work, you will feel so much better.”

I sighed loud enough for her to hear it. She caught on. Boy, I sure did change. I never used to be like this. I hate those type of people who think, I’m fine after a trauma. Nothing’s gonna bother me. I’m fine, boss. Why am I suddenly doing this now?

“Dawn?” Christina checked.

“Yeah?”

“Okay, so, let’s start at the cabin. We really need to get that out.”

“No, we don’t.”

“I can’t clear you until you do.”

“So, what. What if I don’t want to be a cop anymore?”

“What? What brought this on?”

“Not being able to be with my family! Always working. I miss so much stuff with Austin. I’ve been toying with it for a long time, doc.”

“I know. You think you want to leave the force?”

“I think I do.”

“Just because you want to leave, doesn’t mean you’ll be cleared from this or that complaint. The Judge ordered this or it’s thirty days in jail.”

I sighed again. That bastard judge. How could he do this to me? I mean really. I was defending myself! Since when is that against the law?

“Huds, I know you.”

“Do you really? What do you know?”

“I’m not the one sitting on the couch,” Christina said.

I slammed my hands on the cushions of the couch and shook my head. Everyone claimed they knew me. I hated that more than anything. I rubbed my mouth and closed my eyes for a bit.

Slow your roll, dude.

I opened my eyes and nodded. I took a sip of water from the glass in front of me on the round glass table.

“So?” Christina asked.

“Sew buttons on underwear.” I laughed.

Christina didn’t find that amusing. I thought it was funny and always wanted to say that. But she sat there in her black Lazy Boy chair with her legs crossed like a real pristine woman. I’ve known Christine for over a decade. She’d always been that way.

“Dawn, this is not helping your situation. We have about five more sessions to get through to satisfy the judge.”

“Fuck the judge! I defended myself. Twice against that douchebag! He pulled down my pants after I tossed him like a doll.”

“Huds, come on. Let’s get through this.”

“You know what, I’m done. If I go to jail, so fucking what. This is the thanks I get for protecting this city and myself! I can’t do this anymore!”

I found myself breaking down. The tears flowed. It all went back to 2010 with Beth. Everything just came flooding my mind with images from then, my mom, Jacob, the cabin, Jax. Everything. I was shaking. The tears wouldn’t stop. What the fuck was happening to me?

I screamed as I felt a warm touch. When I opened my watery eyes, I saw Christina holding onto me like a mother to a daughter.

“Dawn it’s okay. This will help. Let it flow out. Come on. I got you. I’ll stay as long as you need me to.”

I heard Christina talking to me and it was kind of registering, but the images kept flowing in my mind. Even when I was in the hospital after Jax strung me up on that tree. I saw the memory of Jacob. He was talking to me and approving of Luke. I just don’t know where this was coming from. The tears continued.

“Dawn, here, have some water,” Christina said.

I bawled once again. The images wouldn’t stop. I saw my mom. She was waving for me. But no, I’m not done yet. I’m not dying. What was this?

“Dawn, what do you see?” Christina asked.

“My, my mom. She’s, she’s waving to me.”

“Like how?”

“L-l-l-like she wants me to come with her.”

“Um, what?”

“Yeah, what is that?”

“It’s the buildup.”

“Huh?”

“You’ve suppressed everything so far down; the buildup is finally coming down.”

I caught my breath and wiped my eyes. I grabbed the glass from her and drank some water. I’m so glad no one else was here to witness this. Was this a mental breakdown?

“You mean like a mental breakdown?” I asked.

“Yeah, kind of. This last incident was the last straw. Dawn, I’m going to talk to the judge on your behalf.”

“What?”

“Yeah. I know this isn’t you. It’s everything you’ve had to deal with since 2010. I know you hate the, I’m fine line, but you’ve been using it a lot. That isn’t you. Let me call the judge.”

“Okay.”